What A Fool Believes

It recently occurred to me that some of the people who read this blog likely do not have a relationship with God.  It is equally likely that some readers call themselves Christians but have not ever really considered exactly what they believe or why.  I thought it might be helpful for me to share the thought process that led me to my faith.

When I was a child, the world and the universe were things that simply existed.  They needed no explanation, no consideration of their origins and meaning.  As I grew older I spent alot of time reading the set of encyclopedias at my grandparents' house and watching educational TV, typically the science and nature shows aimed at adults.  I learned how the big bang theory with it's definite beginning and subsequent universal expansion fits the available evidence quite nicely.  In biology, the idea of evolution was attractive to me at first, but the existence of certain inter-dependent organic systems (the symbiotic relationship between the Bullhorn Acacia and a particular species of ants is a good example) eventually made it seem unlikely to me that these organisms could come to be through an unguided, unintelligent process.

Once I came to the conclusion that the universe was created by something, I considered the type of being that would be capable of creation. This entity/force/whatever you want to call it would need some quite specific characteristics.  It would need to be intelligent, powerful and self-existent, otherwise it would simply displace the question of the ultimate origin of the universe.

Then, I learned of anthropology.  I found that most cultures throughout history have had some sort of religion.  Religion is often defined as man attempting to get in touch with a higher power; it seemed to me that anything that fit the criteria of "creator of the universe" would be something that man couldn't get to through mans own efforts; this being would have to contact us. This eventually led me to Christianity, which in its purest sense is concerned with God reaching to man.

Though I came to the decision to follow Christ, I still struggle with many facets of its practice.  We are devoted to a God who asks men to strive for a high (unfortunately unrealistic) moral standard but offers assistance and forgiveness when we inevitably fail.  This seems contradictory and inefficient, but I believe the purpose of this is to make men certain of the need to be saved.  As for hell, I freely admit I don't understand it or know what the nature of it is, but I am confident that the creator of the universe would not have gone through all the trouble to create intelligent beings only to condemn the vast majority of them to everlasting torment.  I am certain that God is completely just and will not condemn anyone to hell unless they deserve it.  No one will go to hell because of ignorance.  Everyone who has lived or ever will live will have the opportunity to accept or reject God.  Those who accept Him will be saved; those who do not will be condemned.  I don't claim to understand it, but I believe that this God I've been discussing has no reason to be capricious or cruel and many reasons to be just and merciful.

Now to the key problem with most religions, Christianity included.  Where is the proof?  I was recently discussing religion with an agnostic friend of mine, until we found ourselves at an impasse.  Without absolute proof, my friend was unwilling to accept that Christianity or any other religion had definite answers.  I am certain that as long as I am alive, I will continue to ask difficult questions and there will always be things that I do not understand.  The difference between my friend and I is that I was able to take a leap of faith and accept that God will care for me.  Not that there is anything special about me, the Bible is clear that faith is a gift from God.  I am extremely grateful for this gift and I intend to use whatever time God is gracious enough to give me on this Earth to serve His kingdom and spread His message.

Jump!

When I started my journal for this year, I quoted the Scripture “If you utter worthy, not worthless, words, you will be my spokesman.” - From Jeremiah 15:19.  After a very long time praying and seeking the Lord, I truly feel that He has called me to communicate His message to those around me, specifically through the written word.  I am not claiming to have any sort of special revelation, or exclusive access to God, far from it.  It is my prayer that through the gifts He has given me, someone may be encouraged, uplifted, blessed or come to a saving knowledge of the Lord.  Please pray for me as I attempt to follow this path; pray that I will not become discouraged and that I will be faithful to God, my family and to you, my potential readers.  Thank you for your kind attention and support;

Sincerely,

Kenny Brown

Hold the Line

How often do I feel sad, wishing that I had clear direction from God; that I knew my purpose.  What I really need is God to give me victory over sin.  I don't have a problem with enormous, obvious sins; more the pernicous, less noticeable type.  I am lazy.  I waste so much time playing around on the computer.  I of all people should be aware of my own mortality; in fact, I've been cognizant of my mortality since I was a child.  When I was a child, I expected that I would be dead before the age of 25 at the oldest.  Unfortunately, this expectation did not give me a sense of urgency; quite the opposite, my certainty regarding my future made me reluctant to try too hard.  Why should I bother trying to do well in school or look for a job or do anything that wasn't enjoyable when I would be dead soon?  What a mistake that was!  I became so depressed that I didn't even want to live anymore.  When there is nothing to strive for, nothing to achieve, no goals to look ahead to, what is the point of living at all?  Like Job, I prayed that I could simply die, and move straight to eternity.  Praise God for not granting the unknowingly stupid prayers of His children!

Once I realized that God wasn't going to strike me down and I found myself not quite depressed enough to actually go through with suicide, I knew my life would have to change.  I developed a sense of urgency; I simply didn't have time to waste!  This urgency drove me to return to school and to excel this time.  More than one person commented on my strong work ethic and the unheard of change in my academic performance.  I went from an academically disqualified 1.0 GPA to an honors earning 3.6 before my graduation.  In addition to classroom work, I participated in academic competition, excelling there as well.  In addition, I sought out student employment.  Within a few months, I had impressed my supervisor so much that I was entrusted with remote access to my work computer, making me the only student worker with this access.  In nearly every way, I was a model student.

I do not say any of this intending to build myself up; I freely acknowledge that God was the source of any wisdom I may have exhibited.  Furthermore, it is only through the God's power of healing that I survived a serious illness in 2006.  My point is this; when I felt a clear direction from God, I flourished.

But then; like a fool, I graduated.  I found myself a highly qualified individual with a college degree, a loving wife and a young son.  I had everything I could have asked for; everything but a job.  Now, two years later, I am still unemployed, with my job prospects looking more and more dim as I get further from graduation.

I find myself slipping back to my old habits of being angry, unmotivated and depressed.  I don't know what God wants from me!  I find myself longing that God will give me clear direction and purpose.  Praise God, I no longer have any suicidal bent whatsoever but I have difficulty imagining being very happy or fulfilled in this life.  I suppose rather than encouraging others with this post, I am asking for you to partner with me as I pray for diection.  With God's inspiration I'm intending to ramp up my writing output, so expect more entries soon.

Highway to the Danger Zone

I've been reading an article by Dietrich Bonhoeffer over the last few days.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer suffered incredible hardship as a Christian in Nazi Germany and was eventually hanged for his faith.  How weak I am in comparison.  I have suffered nothing for my faith.  I'm forced to ask myself why; why am I spared hardship with so many others must suffer for their belief in Christ?  To answer this question, I must ask another question; what is the source of persecution of Christians?

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.”
John 15:1-2

Based on this passage, it would that a source of difficulty in the Christian's life may be God himself.  That doesn't sit right with me though.  According to the footnotes, the Greek verb that is here translated as “prune” also means “clean”.  It would seem that the process this passage refers to is more like an ongoing cleansing, designed to bring the believer into a closer and closer approximation of the life of Christ.  All right, how about another source of persecution.

The LORD said to Satan, “Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life.
Job 2:6

This time, the source of difficulty is satan, acting within the limits set by God.  Finally, there is this cryptic passage.

Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.
Luke 20:31-32

I'll be the first to admit that I have no idea what this means.  Perhaps “sifting” refers to persecution, but it could just as easily mean something completely different.  I don't think it's a good idea to make judgments based on biblical passages you do not have a clear understanding of.

Where does that leave me then?  I have a gut feeling, but let me stress that this is my opinion, not some bit of wisdom I have gleaned through extensive study of the Bible.  My thought is that I am not persecuted because I am not doing much for the kingdom of God.  If I was, the Christian-hating world would have reason to attack me.  To put it another way way, think of a fish.  A fish that is swimming the same direction as the current and all the fish around it will face little resistance.  However a fish that is swimming the opposite direction will face tremendous difficulty.

I have no intention of making anyone feel guilty, but if you feel, as I do, like you are missing something in your walk with God perhaps you should look around.  If our lives look remarkably similar to the people around us who are walking in darkness, it is likely time to reevaluate our priorities.

Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
Matthew 5:15-16

You Don't Have To Be A Star

Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ.  For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.  Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.


Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be?  But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.  If they were all one part, where would the body be?  As it is, there are many parts, but one body.


The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!”  On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable,  and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty,  while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it,  so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.  If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
1 Corinthians 12:12-26

Every part of the body of Christ is essential.  My own body provides an excellent example.  Because of a tiny error in my genetic code, my body manufacturers an incomplete version of a crucial protein.  In essence, there is a part of my body missing.  My genetic code makes up an infinitesimally small fraction of my body and yet because of this seemingly insignificant missing part, my entire body has severely limited capabilities.

If every Christian on Earth is a part of the body of Christ, a single individual could be considered equivalent to a bit of missing genetic code.  In other words, a single individual could make the difference between a healthy church and one that is as spiritually disabled as my body is physically.

Perhaps you find yourself feeling as if you don't belong.  Perhaps you feel that your place in the church is insignificant and that no one would notice if you participated or not.  Let me assure you, this is absolutely not the case.  God alone has arranged the parts of the body, with their individual functions, so that as a whole, they make a healthy, functioning human.  In the same manner, He has granted each of us different abilities that make each of us essential to His purpose.

No matter how untalented or useless you may believe you are, God has designed and placed you according to His plans.  I pray that each person reading these words will find their purpose in life.  I pray this particularly for myself.

Star Trek, the Bible and the Bass Guitar

I have lived with a disability for all of my life.  I have a genetic disease called Becker’s Muscular Dystrophy that causes general weakness in the muscles of my body.  This disease began to be noticeable when I was about 5 years old, when I was unable to run as quickly as ‘normal’ children, I tired quickly and had the unusual ‘duck-walk’ that is typical in patients with my condition.  I was a child during the seventies, when it was not traditional for children with disabilities to attend the same schools as non-disabled children.  I was fortunate enough to go to a school that kept me in a regular classroom with other children.  By the time I was 13 years old, (An awkward age for any child, I believe) I needed to use an electric wheelchair full-time.

As I grew older, my friends began to date girls.  As would be expected they had relationships that were good and relationships that were bad, but all I seemed able to fixate on was the fact that they were having relationships at all.  I began to dread hearing the words “Just Friends” from girls, and I heard those words a lot.  My female friends saw me as a ‘safe’ person to hang around with, someone that they didn’t consider in a romantic light.  Most of my female friends never realized that it hurt me to hear them talking about their relationships, and tell me how much they wished they could find Mr. Right.  The fact that I was searching for love myself made me more sympathetic to their problems.  I often became a sounding board, discussing relationships with women, but never having a romantic relationship of my own.

My issues of inadequacy began to focus on my lack of a love life.  Looking back now, I realize that I chose to magnify this issue so that I could allow myself to feel that my problems were all external, and that I could therefore do nothing to change them.  I began to blame my unhappiness on the fact that I was single, and then took steps that I realize now helped to ensure that I remained single.  I set out to become a perfect stereotype of a geek.  I had crooked teeth, wore enormous “windshield” glasses and enjoyed watching ‘Star Trek’.  I spent my school lunch hours in the library playing ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ with my fellow geek brothers and reading Science Fiction novels.  There’s no shortage of girls who like ‘D & D’; is there?

When I went to college right after high school, I signed up as a computer science major, intent on fulfilling my geek destiny.  Unfortunately, I immediately developed the habit of skipping class.  In three semesters at CSU Stanislaus I had passed two classes, giving myself a net GPA of 1.03.  I was academically disqualified, thus proving to myself that I was never going to be able to succeed, and that I did not even deserve to be happy.  I found that the one thing I was really good at was becoming a failure.

I became comfortable in this role for a time.  As long as I knew that I was just a loser nerd, I didn’t have to worry about girls.  As long as I knew that I couldn’t get a girl, I didn’t have to worry that I might find a girlfriend and still be unhappy.  I could continue to live my life; content in my discontent.  I became the cold, calculating and logical Mr. Spock to my Captain Kirk buddies.  They could have the adventures and get the girls while I analyzed the situation and pronounced it “Fascinating.”  I was safe, emotionless and alone.  A favorite song that summed up my feelings was Simon & Garfunkel’s “I Am a Rock” .  In that song, the singer describes himself as a loner, who needed nothing from anyone.  Phrases like “I am a rock, I am an island” and “I touch no one and no one touches me” became my motto.  While I may have been ‘comfortable’ in this state, I was deeply depressed.  It was during this time that I came very close to committing suicide.  I couldn’t stand the thought of living the rest of my life as the sad, lonely and bitter person I had become.  It was only the support of my parents and my church that helped me get through this time.  My church became my safe place.  There I was surrounded by people who cared about me, and didn’t judge me for my disability or my depression.  I was very fortunate to have a place like this where I could be free.  My faith began to cause a problem for me soon though.

As a Christian, I was faced with a dilemma.  Christians are not supposed to live dark and empty lives.  The Bible is very clear in stating that every person is of value and has purpose.  Several different people I respected from my church and college Christian group highlighted this fact for me.  As for my value as a person, Psalm 139:14 says “Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex, Your workmanship is marvelous”  and Jeremiah 29:11 reads “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”   When I felt bad about my disability, I could read 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My power is made perfect in weakness.”   While religion did not change my situation or take away the things that caused me pain, what these passages and others like them did was to assure me that my worth is not based on the external, but on the internal.  There was nothing I could do or not do to increase or decrease my value.  My life was not a meaningless chain of empty days, but rather a valuable gift, with meaning and purpose.

My faith left me with a difficult choice to make.  As long as I held on to my feelings of self-rejection I could never fulfill the purpose that my faith gives me.  Either my faith or my fear had to die.  I could embrace my purpose, or I could continue to allow my fears to paralyze me.  The insecure, lazy and shy persona I had developed would have to be set on the shelf and forgotten if I was ever going to be able to move on with my life.  Fortunately, I made the right choice.

Soon after my realization of self-worth and purpose there came another development in my life that boosted my confidence; I learned to play the bass guitar.  Since Bass players are rare, I was immediately able to begin playing in the band at the college Christian group I was attending.  When I was using my talent, I felt I was equal to my friends who did not have a disability.  We were all using our talents together to entertain people, and to help them feel happy and have fun.  Maybe other guys were still more successful with the girls, but I was the only one in my circle of friends that could play the bass guitar.  Besides, lead singers and guitar players are supposed to be popular with girls; it’s written on in bold print on page three in the Rock and Roll handbook!  What playing the bass did for me was to make me realize that I could succeed if I put my mind to something and worked hard.

After a few years of playing in different bands with friends, I began to relax.  I wasn’t nearly as uptight about not having a girlfriend.  I realized that I could be happy; that I could have a purpose and feel fulfilled without having a girlfriend.  I began to flirt with my female friends, not to get them to like me, but just to have fun.  My interactions with women didn’t have to revolve around relationship, they could become true friendship.

Several of my friends got married, and I was called upon to be a groomsman eight times within a five year period.  My male friends jokingly began to refer to me as “1-800-BEST-MAN”; Wedding Expert.  I was able to be a part of a wedding, supporting my friends in their marriages without being jealous of them.  It was during one of these weddings that I was paired with my future wife.  At one point I jokingly mentioned that as long as we were walking down the aisle anyway, we might as well get married too!  This experience was the beginning of our relationship, a beginning based on fun and friendship, not based on my desperation to have a girlfriend.  A few months later, I proposed to her and in August of 1999, we got married.  After years of feeling unworthy because of being single, and finally accepting that I could be happy while still single, I found myself married.

Looking back, I realize that while I was waiting for another person to make me happy, I was making myself unattractive to the very person I was hoping to find.  I had to realize that I could indeed be happy without her before I could actually find her.  Realizing that I could be happy, and becoming happy with myself gave me a large boost in my self-esteem.  I learned to relax and have fun.  I learned I could be confident in social situations, and developed my sense of humor.  This was one of the first things that my wife noticed about me.

After I got married, I started to feel the calling to return to school, and to get my degree.  The tools that I had gained in the form of self-confidence and work ethic allowed me to excel in school.  Eventually, I was able to graduate with honors.  My goal now is to use my experiences to help other people who feel as if they have no hope.  While I would never choose to be single again, it is comforting to know that I am a valuable person in and of myself, and that I can indeed be happy and fulfilled in any situation.  I still watch “Star Trek” though.