I have lived with a disability for all of my life. I have a genetic disease called Becker’s Muscular Dystrophy that causes general weakness in the muscles of my body. This disease began to be noticeable when I was about 5 years old, when I was unable to run as quickly as ‘normal’ children, I tired quickly and had the unusual ‘duck-walk’ that is typical in patients with my condition. I was a child during the seventies, when it was not traditional for children with disabilities to attend the same schools as non-disabled children. I was fortunate enough to go to a school that kept me in a regular classroom with other children. By the time I was 13 years old, (An awkward age for any child, I believe) I needed to use an electric wheelchair full-time.
As I grew older, my friends began to date girls. As would be expected they had relationships that were good and relationships that were bad, but all I seemed able to fixate on was the fact that they were having relationships at all. I began to dread hearing the words “Just Friends” from girls, and I heard those words a lot. My female friends saw me as a ‘safe’ person to hang around with, someone that they didn’t consider in a romantic light. Most of my female friends never realized that it hurt me to hear them talking about their relationships, and tell me how much they wished they could find Mr. Right. The fact that I was searching for love myself made me more sympathetic to their problems. I often became a sounding board, discussing relationships with women, but never having a romantic relationship of my own.
My issues of inadequacy began to focus on my lack of a love life. Looking back now, I realize that I chose to magnify this issue so that I could allow myself to feel that my problems were all external, and that I could therefore do nothing to change them. I began to blame my unhappiness on the fact that I was single, and then took steps that I realize now helped to ensure that I remained single. I set out to become a perfect stereotype of a geek. I had crooked teeth, wore enormous “windshield” glasses and enjoyed watching ‘Star Trek’. I spent my school lunch hours in the library playing ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ with my fellow geek brothers and reading Science Fiction novels. There’s no shortage of girls who like ‘D & D’; is there?
When I went to college right after high school, I signed up as a computer science major, intent on fulfilling my geek destiny. Unfortunately, I immediately developed the habit of skipping class. In three semesters at CSU Stanislaus I had passed two classes, giving myself a net GPA of 1.03. I was academically disqualified, thus proving to myself that I was never going to be able to succeed, and that I did not even deserve to be happy. I found that the one thing I was really good at was becoming a failure.
I became comfortable in this role for a time. As long as I knew that I was just a loser nerd, I didn’t have to worry about girls. As long as I knew that I couldn’t get a girl, I didn’t have to worry that I might find a girlfriend and still be unhappy. I could continue to live my life; content in my discontent. I became the cold, calculating and logical Mr. Spock to my Captain Kirk buddies. They could have the adventures and get the girls while I analyzed the situation and pronounced it “Fascinating.” I was safe, emotionless and alone. A favorite song that summed up my feelings was Simon & Garfunkel’s “
I Am a Rock” . In that song, the singer describes himself as a loner, who needed nothing from anyone. Phrases like “I am a rock, I am an island” and “I touch no one and no one touches me” became my motto. While I may have been ‘comfortable’ in this state, I was deeply depressed. It was during this time that I came very close to committing suicide. I couldn’t stand the thought of living the rest of my life as the sad, lonely and bitter person I had become. It was only the support of my parents and my church that helped me get through this time. My church became my safe place. There I was surrounded by people who cared about me, and didn’t judge me for my disability or my depression. I was very fortunate to have a place like this where I could be free. My faith began to cause a problem for me soon though.
As a Christian, I was faced with a dilemma. Christians are not supposed to live dark and empty lives. The Bible is very clear in stating that every person is of value and has purpose. Several different people I respected from my church and college Christian group highlighted this fact for me. As for my value as a person, Psalm 139:14 says “Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex, Your workmanship is marvelous” and Jeremiah 29:11 reads “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” When I felt bad about my disability, I could read 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My power is made perfect in weakness.” While religion did not change my situation or take away the things that caused me pain, what these passages and others like them did was to assure me that my worth is not based on the external, but on the internal. There was nothing I could do or not do to increase or decrease my value. My life was not a meaningless chain of empty days, but rather a valuable gift, with meaning and purpose.
My faith left me with a difficult choice to make. As long as I held on to my feelings of self-rejection I could never fulfill the purpose that my faith gives me. Either my faith or my fear had to die. I could embrace my purpose, or I could continue to allow my fears to paralyze me. The insecure, lazy and shy persona I had developed would have to be set on the shelf and forgotten if I was ever going to be able to move on with my life. Fortunately, I made the right choice.
Soon after my realization of self-worth and purpose there came another development in my life that boosted my confidence; I learned to play the bass guitar. Since Bass players are rare, I was immediately able to begin playing in the band at the college Christian group I was attending. When I was using my talent, I felt I was equal to my friends who did not have a disability. We were all using our talents together to entertain people, and to help them feel happy and have fun. Maybe other guys were still more successful with the girls, but I was the only one in my circle of friends that could play the bass guitar. Besides, lead singers and guitar players are supposed to be popular with girls; it’s written on in bold print on page three in the Rock and Roll handbook! What playing the bass did for me was to make me realize that I could succeed if I put my mind to something and worked hard.
After a few years of playing in different bands with friends, I began to relax. I wasn’t nearly as uptight about not having a girlfriend. I realized that I could be happy; that I could have a purpose and feel fulfilled without having a girlfriend. I began to flirt with my female friends, not to get them to like me, but just to have fun. My interactions with women didn’t have to revolve around relationship, they could become true friendship.
Several of my friends got married, and I was called upon to be a groomsman eight times within a five year period. My male friends jokingly began to refer to me as “1-800-BEST-MAN”; Wedding Expert. I was able to be a part of a wedding, supporting my friends in their marriages without being jealous of them. It was during one of these weddings that I was paired with my future wife. At one point I jokingly mentioned that as long as we were walking down the aisle anyway, we might as well get married too! This experience was the beginning of our relationship, a beginning based on fun and friendship, not based on my desperation to have a girlfriend. A few months later, I proposed to her and in August of 1999, we got married. After years of feeling unworthy because of being single, and finally accepting that I could be happy while still single, I found myself married.
Looking back, I realize that while I was waiting for another person to make me happy, I was making myself unattractive to the very person I was hoping to find. I had to realize that I could indeed be happy without her before I could actually find her. Realizing that I could be happy, and becoming happy with myself gave me a large boost in my self-esteem. I learned to relax and have fun. I learned I could be confident in social situations, and developed my sense of humor. This was one of the first things that my wife noticed about me.
After I got married, I started to feel the calling to return to school, and to get my degree. The tools that I had gained in the form of self-confidence and work ethic allowed me to excel in school. Eventually, I was able to graduate with honors. My goal now is to use my experiences to help other people who feel as if they have no hope. While I would never choose to be single again, it is comforting to know that I am a valuable person in and of myself, and that I can indeed be happy and fulfilled in any situation. I still watch “Star Trek” though.
