Where have I been? What have I done? What dreams of mine have I seen fulfilled? What significance will the sum of my accomplishments have when I am dead and absent from this world? How much potential have I wasted, how much time? How much time do I have left? The futility of life in general, my life, in particular, is getting to me. I am sad about the opportunities I have missed, lost and squandered. There are things I hoped to accomplish once.
Here's a list of things I once hoped to accomplish; I wrote this list in 2011.
Earn enough money working to support me and my family
Go on an Alaskan cruise
Fly somewhere
Visit Grandpa and Valeta in Colorado
Drive a car (or car-like vehicle)
Take the Coast Surfliner Amtrak route
Write a computer application
Witness a miraculous healing (Not an accomplishment per se, but wouldn't that be cool?)
I was highly motivated at one point. I thought I saw a clear path to employment, which seems to be a necessary prerequisite to most of my list. That dream died, after an extensive, state-supported job search that was ultimately unfruitful. At one point, I realized that none of these goals furthered God's kingdom. I was again motivated to share God's messages through writing. I'm not a bad writer. I manage to earn around $150 a month doing freelance writing. I could not however find a path to make writing for God happen. I could find no supplier of Christian content interested in my work. After working my theology blog for a solid six months, I had just 10-15 people who would read each post and minimal engagement with my readers.
Lord, this isn't right. This isn't the life You've called me to live. You've called me to live for You, to do great things for Your kingdom. What have I done? Where have I been? What goals of God's kingdom have I seen fulfilled?
But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness.
1 Timothy 6:11
Hmmm...
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