Wish You Were Here

I was feeling pretty depressed yesterday; April 26 would have been the 43rd birthday of a cousin that I was close to.  He passed away unexpectedly and suddenly seven years ago.  I have the same condition that he had.

Perhaps more than most people, I am understandably aware of my own mortality.  I trust that God has a plan for my life.  I pray that this plan will have me on this Earth for long enough to watch my son grow up, but I do not know if this will happen.

Anyone that knows me well knows that I am frustratingly preoccupied with time.  If there is any task to be accomplished, I want to do it immediately.  If I have an appointment to go to, I want to arrive 15 minutes early.  Yet, I often find myself frustrated at myself for wasting time.  Being unemployed and unsure of what I can do to earn money and support my family, I feel like I have too much time on my hands.  After Kristofer goes to bed at night, I get on my computer.  Once I get done with my daily Bible reading, taking care of finances and doing the work in two free classes I take online I am left with not much to do.

I know that there are other things I should do, lots of things to write; I find myself drawn to playing silly puzzle games online.  This is when I start feeling guilty; if I am doing something that does not benefit God or my family or anyone else, I feel guilty.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.
Romans 8:1-2

I know from this passage that I do not have to feel guilty.  The only one that is condemning me for wasting time is me.  On the other hand...

For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.”
2 Thessalonians 3:10

Fortunately, I believe that my issue is not so much that I am unwilling to work but rather that I am unsure of what to do at any given time.  I have a tendency to get myself so loaded with ideas and project stubs that it is difficult for me to take the time to sit down and develop any one of them.  My temptation is to get frustrated, give up and go back to whatever meaningless activity I can find to fill my time and take my mind off of what I should be doing.  What a mess I am!  I am concerned with time, but I waste time.  Even though I know I should be doing one thing, I find myself doing the opposite.  Apparently, however I am not unique.

For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.
Romans 7:19-20

I wonder if the apostle Paul felt like me?  I wonder if he struggled with feeling guilty over not accomplishing his goals?  I actually like Paul; he must have been quite a character.  First angry, then pleading, then sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong.  He jumps from one subject to another so often... I just wonder what it must have been like to actually be there for one of his multi-hour sermon/lecture/improv sessions.  Everywhere he went, riots broke out.  Everytime he spoke you never knew what was going to happen.  I think of his shipwreck adventure.  When he was bit by a snake, the villagers thought he was a murderer and being punished.  But when he didn't drop dead, they changed their minds and decided he must be a god.  That was the type of person he was, everyone had an opinion.

So, where am I going with all this?  To tell the truth, I've been wondering that myself over the last 15 or 20 minutes.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.
Ecclesiastes 3:1

I suppose that means that there is even a time for playing silly puzzle games, just not when there is work to be done.

P.S.: I'll see you in 40 or 50 years Mike; we still have to do that mid-air belly-bounce.