Don't Stop Believin'

All my life, it seems that I've always placed imaginary barriers between my life as it is and my life as I would like.  "I need direction."  "I need a job."  "I need a divine healing."  Once I've received whatever it is that I think I need, only then will I be able to be happy, fulfilled, useful to God... take your pick from any number of imagined positive outcomes.

But then, I look at what I actually do have.  I have a wife who loves me.  I have a son, something I never dared to dream of.  I have incredibly supportive parents who always pushed me to do my best.  I have all these blessings and yet I still want more.

The apostle Paul said he had learned to be content whatever his circumstances.  He had learned the secret of being content in any and every situation.  (Philippians 4:11-12)  This is not at all me.  Sometimes I feel like nothing will ever be enough.  For the most part, I'm not longing for tangible things, but rather for intangible, like better self-worth, clear direction from God or the feeling that my efforts are appreciated.  A good example is  my financial situation.  I would like to have more money, but my major issue is the fact that I don't work for it.  Because of this, I tend to feel guilty and incapable.  I know in my head that I should not feel this way, and yet...

Two years ago, I graduated from college.  I didn't pay a single dollar for my education.  I was evaluated by a State of California agency; they determined that I was likely able to attain employment and proceeded to spend nearly $40,000 for my Bachelors degree.  Now, I look back and wonder why?  I've applied for the types of jobs I've trained for with no success.  I've made professional contacts, presented numerous Letters of Reference; I've done every job seeking tactic suggested to me to no avail. What a poor investment my education turned out to be!  I've thought of going back to school and attaining a Masters degree, but how can I possibly justify spending another $30,000 or so?

When it comes to specific instructions, the Bible is pretty lean.

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.
Ecclesiastes 9:10

I suppose right now, spending time with my family as I continue praying and seeking direction seems to be what my hand finds to do.  I pray that I will remain faithful.  (Don't worry; I'll keep writing my blog too.)