Hold the Line

How often do I feel sad, wishing that I had clear direction from God; that I knew my purpose.  What I really need is God to give me victory over sin.  I don't have a problem with enormous, obvious sins; more the pernicous, less noticeable type.  I am lazy.  I waste so much time playing around on the computer.  I of all people should be aware of my own mortality; in fact, I've been cognizant of my mortality since I was a child.  When I was a child, I expected that I would be dead before the age of 25 at the oldest.  Unfortunately, this expectation did not give me a sense of urgency; quite the opposite, my certainty regarding my future made me reluctant to try too hard.  Why should I bother trying to do well in school or look for a job or do anything that wasn't enjoyable when I would be dead soon?  What a mistake that was!  I became so depressed that I didn't even want to live anymore.  When there is nothing to strive for, nothing to achieve, no goals to look ahead to, what is the point of living at all?  Like Job, I prayed that I could simply die, and move straight to eternity.  Praise God for not granting the unknowingly stupid prayers of His children!

Once I realized that God wasn't going to strike me down and I found myself not quite depressed enough to actually go through with suicide, I knew my life would have to change.  I developed a sense of urgency; I simply didn't have time to waste!  This urgency drove me to return to school and to excel this time.  More than one person commented on my strong work ethic and the unheard of change in my academic performance.  I went from an academically disqualified 1.0 GPA to an honors earning 3.6 before my graduation.  In addition to classroom work, I participated in academic competition, excelling there as well.  In addition, I sought out student employment.  Within a few months, I had impressed my supervisor so much that I was entrusted with remote access to my work computer, making me the only student worker with this access.  In nearly every way, I was a model student.

I do not say any of this intending to build myself up; I freely acknowledge that God was the source of any wisdom I may have exhibited.  Furthermore, it is only through the God's power of healing that I survived a serious illness in 2006.  My point is this; when I felt a clear direction from God, I flourished.

But then; like a fool, I graduated.  I found myself a highly qualified individual with a college degree, a loving wife and a young son.  I had everything I could have asked for; everything but a job.  Now, two years later, I am still unemployed, with my job prospects looking more and more dim as I get further from graduation.

I find myself slipping back to my old habits of being angry, unmotivated and depressed.  I don't know what God wants from me!  I find myself longing that God will give me clear direction and purpose.  Praise God, I no longer have any suicidal bent whatsoever but I have difficulty imagining being very happy or fulfilled in this life.  I suppose rather than encouraging others with this post, I am asking for you to partner with me as I pray for diection.  With God's inspiration I'm intending to ramp up my writing output, so expect more entries soon.